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I want people to see the dress, but focus on the woman – Vera Wang

Tammy Golden, mother, wife, aspiring writer and lover of fashion, left her corporate career of 20 years to find her true calling. In the process she became an accidental entrepreneur! Now a Texas-based fashion stylist and pop-up boutique owner, she’s on a mission to help women discover their personal style, inner beauty and spirituality. Here, Tammy tells HubDot how we can all exude confidence in every aspect of our lives.

'I was browsing one morning through my Facebook feed, when a certain post caught my eye. A friend had thrown out this question to her followers: “If you don't care what people think of you, or your fashion sense, does that mean (a) you have enough confidence that you don't require the approval of others, or (b) you have low self-esteem?”

Being a fashion stylist by trade, her post provoked a reaction in me. Several times that day I went to comment but soon realised (as I found myself hitting the backspace key repeatedly) that my response was never quite neat enough to fit into the box provided. The truth is, from my experience, it depends. Not caring is sometimes a hallmark of sound self-esteem but other times, it’s a warning flag of self-avoidance.

High on the confidence / don’t care scale, are those women who have a ‘larger than life’ air to them. They play easily and unapologetically with their personal style; think whimsical Betsy Johnson, dramatic Amal Clooney, bohemian Iris Apfel and of course, the legendary Coco Chanel. Fashion trends don’t define these women, rather, these woman leverage fashion as an art form to amplify their character.

I believe minimalist dressers fall on the high-end of the confidence scale as well. These are women who purposefully strip away outward distractions from their life in order to focus more inwardly, or concentrate on the task at hand. Designer Vera Wang is a great example of a minimalist. I’ve read that her choice of an androgynous, neutrally-coloured wardrobe helps to avoid “sensory overload” in her line of work. Minimalists typically also master the art of a personal “uniform”. That’s why French women look so notoriously chic in simply jeans, a white tee shirt and black blazer.

Then there’s the majority of women I style. They sit somewhere between wanting to care / not having time to care. They often ask me, “Should I care?” and, for the most part, their self-esteem is fairly intact. They want to look effortlessly pulled-together but struggle with how to make that happen with day-to-day consistency.

Finally, there are women I meet in the course of my day whose “I don’t care” appearance is, disappointingly, an outward sign of a darker inner mess, one that slowly becomes more apparent within the quiet space of one-on-one conversation.

It’s the woman in grossly oversized or sloppy clothes, hoping to fade into the background. She feels undeserving of attention and has given herself permission to disengage from activities and others because of her weight, age, lack of direction - you name it. Sometimes this avoidance is a byproduct of mental and/or sexual abuse where standing out has always meant garnering unwanted attention and subsequent hurt.

It’s the woman in exceedingly-tight or overly-revealing clothes, hoping to be the center of attention, desperately seeking adjectives to describe her, like “sophisticated”, “successful”, “fun”, “sexy ” and “young.” She believes that putting out her physical self for approval is much easier, and much less intimate, than revealing her thoughts and emotions to others.

It’s the woman who rarely changes out of her workout clothes because she’s disgusted she’s gained a pound. No size, however small, is good enough. Obsessing over diet and mastering control over her physique translates into the feeling of powerlessness in other areas of her life; managing marriage to a dominating or philandering husband, balancing career and family (or grieving the loss of one traded for the other), battling the boredom of routine or chasing a complex list of standards that once checked off means “you have it all.”

What I yearn to tell these women is, I see you. I see the beauty and strength you cannot see in your authentic selves. Despite your mess - and I would argue sometimes because of your mess - you have a role to fulfill in life, one that can only be lived by you. When you allow low self-esteem to takeover your heart, convincing you to shrink away from your true self, not only do you run the risk of missing out on what life has in store, but the world misses out on the unique talents that only you can bring to it all.  

So back to that morning and the provocative Facebook post from a friend. The more important questions that I’d love for women to consider, as they dress to face each day are:

Am I really who I want to be and called to be?

Am I allowing a secret mess to define me or hold me back from what I want to be?

Am I walking confidently and joyfully through my life?  

Let’s strive to be honest with ourselves and push to emerge from behind whatever mess that troubles us today. Let’s vow to never be afraid to share our unique stories with others and to have courage to live an authentic life because I see you, and your incredible potential to change the world.'

Thank you for your uplifting advice Tammy. It is so important for us all to remember that how we feel inwardly is always reflected on the outside. We are sure that your story will help women to reconsider their personal style and the depths that are necessary to help nurture true confidence and of course, an incredible look!